What do you say to someone who recently lost a loved one tragically?

Her Husband was killed in a tragic accident and I have no idea what to say....

6 days ago on February 14, 2009 at 10:39 my phone rang and my life changed in an unforgettable way. My good friend sobbed, heaved and blurted into the phone, “Jeff, I think he’s Dead....he’s been hurt real bad....we’re on the way to U of L Emergency Room....I need you .....”

When I got to the hospital I knew the news wasn’t good when the receptionist screened me and wanted to wait for a word from the hospital chaplain...but, I heard my friend and the children down the hall crying out. Just a few moments later I watched her and the children say ‘Good-Bye’ to a husband, a daddy, and I said good-bye to my friend.

It’s been an incredible week of mourning and remembering and celebrating 43 ‘photoriffic’ years that Tyler Eldred lived and many lives impacted for the better. I’m blessed to have had him as a buddy for a little while.

And, now as friends and family leave Stacy’s side and the community gets back on the treadmill of living we’re left with how to care for Stacy and her family in the days & weeks ahead.

Julie, my wife, got a question at the YMCA this morning that prompted me to write this. The question, ‘Should I call Stacy?’ came from one of Stacy’s best friends. The answer is “yes, you should call Stacy.” But, it may not happen for several reasons, like:

• I’m afraid I’ll make them sad.
• What if they cry?
• I have no idea what to say or do....

And, it struck me that this needs to be addressed because in the face of uncertainty and not wanting to hurt the other person we often do nothing. Our motive may be good -- do no harm and don’t make it worse; but, saying / doing nothing can leave the hurting family feeling alone and uncared for just when they need it most.

I've heard of a case where friends have crossed to the other side of the street when they see a person coming along who has lost a loved one. Why? Because of the uncomfortableness we feel and uncertainty of what to say or do.

Let me address the 3 concerns above....

1. I’m afraid I’ll make them sad. Yep, you might strike a chord that makes them remember in a fresh way that draws from the well of sadness and tears might flow. And, then again, you might tap their funny bone with a great shared moment that brings joy to them. One of the greatest fears when we lose a loved one is that the world will forget them. When you remember with them and risk tapping sorrow or joy you help them get through the loss. They’ll never forget the one they loved and knowing that you haven’t forgotten her/him will help a ton.
2. What if they cry? They might. The closer you were to their loved one the more likely this is to happen, but it’s a risk you have to take. The thing that stops most of us is that we’re afraid of being uncomfortable or of not knowing what to say. You will likely be uncomfortable--tough, do it anyway. And, you don’t have to say much and certainly don’t need to offer any profound words of wisdom. You just need to express your concern and support and ask em something like this....’How are you today?’, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’ ‘How is this for you?’ and then shut up and listen a lot.....just be there with your friend and if it’s on the phone then shut out distraction and be as connected as possible and listen for their heart. If you have a cool memory to share this might be a great time to offer the gift of remembering together and let the healing waters of tears flow or the sound of laughter make their heart stronger for this time.
3. I have no idea what to say or do....
   

• What to say? As little as possible ....let them lead you as much as possible into what they want to talk about. One word of caution about what you don’t need to talk about: DON’T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND GOD and explain your brilliant theory to them of why the one they loved so much was the one ‘plucked for heaven where God needed another rose for His garden.’ [what Bible are you reading? Crack kills dude!] Take a lesson from Job’s friends in the book named for Job in the Bible. They got it right when they just sat with Job and said nothing and just were there. Trouble began when they opened up their ‘pie holes’ and tried to explain Job’s troubles. Go ahead and admit that you are clue free about why this happened and then be a great listener and just chill with your friend. (even the most learned Theologians can’t explain why a 43 year old father of 4 with a brilliant mind who loved to help people grow into LifeChampions was struck by a falling tree branch on Valentine’s day! So, your theory isn’t likely much better and may actually bring devastation to the grieving heart. So, in short ‘shut your ‘cake hole’ the moment you want to try to explain God and why....)

• What to do? Being there quietly and simply is a great gift, so start with just being there. However, most of us want to 'do something,' and, It’s customary where we’re from to say, ‘If there’s anything I can do just let me know...’ Again, right intention but it’s not gonna happen. They are not gonna call you. A better approach if you are truly close enough to them is to be proactive and offer specific help like....

• Hey _________, I’ve got some time on ______________ evening and I’d like to come over and cut the grass, would that be okay?
• Could I bring a meal by on _______________ day? What time would be good for you? Would you prefer ______________ or _______________?
• Buy them a gift card to the movies and a decent place for dinner.
• Give a gift in their honor to the charity of their choice.
• Hey __________, can I take your car for an oil change sometime over the weekend? [and then pay for it you big goob!]
• We’re having a cook-out on ___________ evening and we’d love to have you and the kids come over and join us. (if they decline, it’s okay)
• I’d/we’d like to watch the kids sometime soon, we have some time _________ or ___________ could we come over and watch them?

It’s okay if they don’t take you up on the offer. If they decline, then it’s okay to say something like this, ‘I really do want to help some way, is there something else I could do that would help you more?’ Again, if they decline, it’s okay to leave it alone for now.

Go back to listening mode and they may uncover a true need.

Basically, be proactive and think about what they need more than you worry about you’ll look or how you might be uncomfortable, etc. Do more listening than talking. Don’t try to explain God or why. Don't underestimate the power of just being with them without jabbering or trying to take up for God, etc.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, a card with your sentiments can be way helpful and often becomes a cherished keepsake.

Bottom line....touch base and post reminders to your personal calendar to do this around Holidays and special days like Birthdays and Anniversaries. Make a call, write a card, post to their facebook wall, twitter em, visit, drop off a meal, wash a car....do something!

Missing a good friend today,
Jeff Fuson


Jeff Fuson serves as Point Leader for Phos Hilaron Church near Louisville Kentucky. Jeff's # 1 passion is being a husband and daddy. A close second is seeing people grow spiritually. As a Professional Speaker Jeff also serves as a Keynote Speaker & Trainer crafting & delivering high impact keynote addresses & training events for Entrepreneurs, Banks, Credit Unions, and small to medium sized non-profit & for profit enterprises. He's got one incredible wife and 3 awesome children.